Before I became a mom, type 1 diabetes was mostly something I managed for myself.
My blood sugar. My insulin. My supplies. My appointments. My highs and lows.
Then I had children.
Type 1 diabetes didn't become more difficult simply because I became a mother. But the context around it changed completely.
Because now there are people who need me—even when my blood sugar has other plans.
Sometimes I Have to Take Care of Me First
There is a strange reality to motherhood with type 1 diabetes: sometimes taking care of your children means taking care of yourself first.
Even when they don't particularly appreciate the timing.
I've been in the middle of making dinner for my family while drinking juice because my blood sugar is low.
I've had to stop what I'm doing because my Dexcom is alarming.
I've had moments when one of my boys wants something right now, as young children tend to do, and I've had to say, "Mommy needs to take care of her blood sugar first."
That's not always easy for a 3- or 6-year-old to understand.
But it's necessary.
A low blood sugar doesn't care that someone needs help finding a shoe, wants a snack or is waiting for me to finish dinner.
There are moments when diabetes gets to go first.
I've had to become comfortable with that.
My Kids Have Always Known Diabetes
My boys have never known me without type 1 diabetes.
They've grown up seeing a pump attached to me. They've heard my Dexcom alarms. They've watched me give insulin, change sites and treat low blood sugars.
To them, much of it is simply part of Mom.
I actually love that.
I don't want type 1 diabetes to feel scary in our house. I want them to understand that sometimes Mom's blood sugar is high. Sometimes it's low. Sometimes I need insulin. Sometimes I need juice.
And then we keep going.
There is something really powerful about watching children accept something without all of the baggage adults sometimes attach to it.
They don't need a complicated explanation.
They just know this is one of the things their mom takes care of.
Motherhood Doesn't Pause for Diabetes
Of course, the reverse is also true.
Diabetes doesn't pause motherhood, and motherhood doesn't pause diabetes.
There are still school mornings, activities, workdays, dinners, baths and bedtime routines.
There are still two little people asking questions, needing help and occasionally arguing about something that felt extremely important to them five seconds ago.
And somewhere in the middle of all of that, I'm still making hundreds of tiny diabetes decisions.
How much insulin?
When did I last eat?
Why am I dropping?
Do I need to treat this now?
Do I have enough insulin in my pump to get through the evening?
Most of those thoughts never leave my head.
That's one of the things about living with type 1 diabetes that can be difficult to explain to someone who doesn't have it.
Life can look completely normal from the outside while there is an entirely separate conversation happening inside your head.
Motherhood just gives that conversation a lot more competition.
They Are Watching, Too
As my boys have gotten older, I've realized they're absorbing more than I probably recognize.
They see me respond when something needs my attention.
They see that I can have a low blood sugar, treat it and move forward.
They see that having type 1 diabetes doesn't stop me from working, traveling, running a nonprofit, showing up for their activities or doing the things that matter to our family.
I don't need them to think I'm invincible.
I'm not.
There are frustrating days. There are alarms at inconvenient times. There are blood sugars that refuse to cooperate. There are moments when I need to sit down, drink juice and wait.
I think there is value in them seeing that part, too.
Taking care of yourself isn't weakness.
Sometimes it's simply what allows you to keep taking care of everyone else.
The Guilt Can Sneak In
Motherhood comes with enough guilt on its own.
Type 1 diabetes can occasionally add another layer.
I don't like telling my children to wait because my blood sugar is low.
I don't like when diabetes interrupts something we're doing together.
I don't like the thought that there may be moments when they worry about me.
But I also know what happens if I ignore what my body is telling me.
So I've learned that taking five minutes to treat a low isn't taking something away from my children.
It's part of being responsible for them.
They need a healthy mom far more than they need me to pretend diabetes never inconveniences us.
The Mom They Know
I've lived with type 1 diabetes for most of my life, so I don't really know who I would be without it.
And my children don't know that version of me at all.
They know the mom with the Dexcom.
The mom with the insulin pump.
The mom who sometimes has juice boxes that aren't for them.
The mom whose devices occasionally start making noise at very inconvenient times.
But they also know the mom who shows up.
Type 1 diabetes is part of our family's life because it is part of mine.
I don't want my boys—or soon, my daughter—to grow up believing that taking care of other people requires ignoring yourself.
I want them to see the opposite.
Sometimes being a good mom means stopping.
Sometimes it means saying, "I need a minute."
Sometimes it means drinking the juice before finishing their dinner.
Because taking care of them and taking care of me aren't competing responsibilities.
They're connected.
My children need me.
And one of the ways I show up for them is by making sure I'm taking care of myself, too.